An average marriage goes through its fair share of turbulent phases. From the seven-year itch to growing out of sync with each other, the pressures of parenting or not being able to become parents, and the constant struggle to manage finances – married couples face many moments when the future seems uncertain, and bleak. None of these, however, come close to the enormity of noticing the signs your husband is gay. Regular marriage problems pale in comparison to coming to terms with this realization: my husband is gay.
No woman wants to discover that her husband is gay. But it happens more frequently than you might think – whether you had a feeling all along or it came as a complete surprise.
The news can be devastating to families, especially when there are children involved. However, some women may feel relief if they’ve endured a long and painful marriage.
Some couples still stay together regardless if the husband is gay. The need for the children to have their father around and the desire to model a traditional family is often so overwhelming that some couples – not just women – place their mental health and emotional well-being at risk.
If you're a woman, you may have noticed things about your Husband that lead you to believe he's gay or interested in men. Sexuality is highly complex and sensitive, and there are a lot of inaccurate stereotypes out there that don't truly reflect a person's sexual orientation. You can't know for sure unless he tells you himself, but noting possible signs can make it easier to start a conversation. Keep reading for a thorough list of potential signs that your husband might be gay.
1. Lack of interest in intimacy or sex
Has there been a lack of physical intimacy? It’s normal for relationships to ebb and flow. However, if there's a decline that never picks up again, or if he tries to convince you that all relationships eventually fizzle out sexually, it might mean he is hiding his true self. Other signs include:
- He seems turned off when you get intimate
- He’s less passionate or mechanical in bed
- There’s a lack of pleasurable foreplay
He accuses you of being sex-obsessed when you express normal needs
2. He displays extreme homophobic behaviour
It might be surprising to know that if your spouse isn't straight, he might actually display extreme homophobic behaviour. He will show signs of disapproval towards gay men and gay couples, as well as be particularly vocal about how wrong homosexuality is. He might even get aggressive towards gay men or shout verbal abuse at them. This is a sign that you're husband isn't comfortable with his own sexuality, and he is trying to repress it.
3. He’s into gay porn
With the click of a mouse, we have access to all types of pornography. If your husband is watching or reading homosexual pornography, it’s probably not because he’s curious. It’s simply too risky an activity to merely “check out."
4. Obvious Interest in Attractive Men
This is more significant if he also openly checks out other guys. When you’re in public or around other people, watch to see where his attention goes.
- It’s likely a straight guy would try to avoid looking at other women while you’re around to avoid offending you. Look for subtle signs, not obvious gestures.
- If he checks out men and women equally, it’s possible he’s bisexual.
5. You Have Found A Gay Dating App On His Phone
This is the biggest sign your boyfriend may be gay. You might notice a popular LGBTQ dating app like Grindr or Scruff, or it’s possible he’s using apps like Tinder or Hinge with the preferences set to men. Look for excessive texting or messaging at odd hours
6. He spends too much time with one man
If your husband is seeking out male company, or joining certain clubs or groups that are specifically for men, it could be a sign that he is gay, and wants to spend a lot of time with men or a certain man, away from you.
7. Emotionally detached
Does he seem withdrawn, secretive, or keep you at arm's length? There are many reasons why someone might act this way, so this by itself is not a surefire sign that he’s gay. However, if you notice this alongside several other behaviors from this list, it could be a meaningful indicator.
8. He's secretive about many aspects of his Life
Usually, this is a sign that your husband is cheating on you, and this very much could be the case - he could be cheating on you, with other women. However, if you find several of the other signs to be ringing true, and his behavior is sneaky, it could mean he's gay.
9. He’s overly affectionate with other men
Observe how he acts in social settings. If he’s gay, he might thrive on other men’s attention, frequently touch or hug them, or exchange flirty comments with them (especially about their physical appearance). Other signs might be:
- He brags about getting hit on or asked out by other men
- He gushes about other men’s bodies or personalities to you
10. Unknown Social Media Contacts
When scrolling through your husband’s social media accounts, do you know most of the people they are friends with? You may not have met all of them, especially if they’re coworkers. But is there a demographic of people that are also gay, people you have never heard of, and people that seem to be new friends that they never mentioned to you?
These signs a husband is gay are not meant to be definitive. A husband may be gay and display none of those signs or a husband may display these signs and not be gay. These signs of a gay husband are designed as a starting point. Kaye advises that women "follow their instincts" when deciding whether their husbands may be gay.